« Home | Wednesday Morning Is All » | Pop Culture Meme » | Highlights from the weekend » | Oh, it's the Halloween Post and then some » | For The Grandma » | These things should be chronicled » | Jesus and Mama Will Always Love Him » | No Knock-knock Jokes Here » | Words to your Mother » | Just try to make it through »

For "S"

Okay, so my sister "S" is having a baby in like, less than 3 weeks. She uses this current gravid condition as a sort of weapon. The other night I got a message on my machine, "All right, if you don't call me back I'm coming down there and having my baby on your bathroom floor....the back bathroom, it's a lot more spacious."

Just a few weeks ago, my brother who drives a BRIGHT PURPLE VAN happened to be at a restuarant she and some classmates had gone to for their lunch break. S is the kind of girl who notices when an 18 inch shrub is missing from a lawn on a street she's driven down once in her life. So, when she walked right past my brother's purple van, without even acknowledging it, he was understandably perplexed. She bee-lined for her plate of salad and at the cashier, was told that her meal had been paid for. She had to take her direct gaze off the glistening garbanzos and pickled beets long enough to give the cashier an incredulous look and ask, "What!?" while she was actually thinking, "Who in the heck is picking up on an 8 month pregnant, ravenous, girl who can't take her eyes off the food and is wearing nurse's scrubs?" I have to say, when she told me the story over the phone, I was thinking the same. My thought was, "man there are some weird freaks out there..." nice that I thought that about someone doing something kind for my sister. Well, it turns out it was my brother, he's just that kind of person, and well, he was having a whale of a time watching S be oblivious to the world, enamored with her plate of salad.

The thing is, I get it, when I was pregnant with Benja, I had the same condition. I'm not the kind of girl who has much experience with the feeling of hunger. I tend to dance on the OTHER side of that spectrum. But, I also can go without eating without losing my mind. Except when I'm pregnant. This aspect of pregnancy caught me completely off guard and it was made known to all when I bit into the wrist of a much too slow waiter. J got to the point where he'd say, as we were walking to our table, "Please bring us some crackers immediately." So, S's tunnel vision after a full morning of clinicals, is completely understandable to me. But I'm sure from my brother's vantage point, it was very amusing.

But that's not really what I want to write about. However, I do suddenly feel like I could get some retaliation in from my youth...
One time I slipped and fell off of our deck when I was about 15 or 16 years old. It was the same day as the Christmas party at church. I really hurt my back and was in a lot of pain. I had to hold it very stiffly and walked in something quite unbecoming for a teenager in her prime. My sister slipped into the church before any of the rest of us and quickly told all my friends that I was really constipated and having a hard time with it and pretty embarrassed, so to try not to bring it up. A few minutes later, I come in, slowly, shuffling one foot trepidaciously in front of the other and the entire table of youth erupted in laughter. Clearly they were concerned with my feelings.

But I'm not going to bring that up. What I do want to talk about is motherhood. S has one child. He will be 13 in a few weeks. He brushes his own teeth, doesn't wear diapers, dresses himself, can even make himself a meal. She has clearly been out of the infant-toddler-why-why-why trenches MUCH too long to go into it without some help.

S is a natural with babies and children. When Benja was a newborn and did that thing, where they cry for no reason, and you don't know what to do, and you think you are going to lose your mind---she would take him from me, all hours of the day or night, and soothe him to being a calm pleasant little yoda-man again. So, I'm not worried about those kinds of things. But, I just feel compelled, as her sister and friend, to give some unsolicitated advice. Because that's what I live for. I'm going to give her a few suggestions, and then I'd like any contributions you can come up with as well.

1. One night you will be snuggling with your precious gem resting peacefully under your chin, fitting the entire length of her body on just a portion of your torso. Then, like two days later she will be rolling all over you trying to find the perfect spot to settle down her 22 month old body for a nap, and naturally, across your face is most comfortable. She'll say a few words and have one word to a favorite song she'll say over and over to try and get you to sing it to her for the 532nd time. Then, in maybe a week or two later, she'll be 3 and a half and whispering loudly, "what shall we talk about today mom? I tell you what, if you tell me the three little pigs story, I'll tell you the three little bears story---would you like that?" And you'll look over and still see the little yoda-baby who snuggled and didn't roll and didn't try to bargain when he should be sleeping. And the words coming out of the mouth will shock you. Over and over. Just brace yourself.

2. Your baby will poop more than you ever remember a baby pooping. And blow-out won't refer to tires or pre-teen angst anymore. And the word will make you stop cold and brace yourself and hope that whoever used the word, has forgotten what that means in the newborn world.

3. Everyone has an opinion and a story and they're inevitably better than yours. Mine for starters.

4. There are few things more tender than seeing your husband with your child. A bright man, accomplished in many ways, completely turning soft over newborn fists waving uncontrollably in the air, or thinking there must be some angle of the baby that hasn't been photographed yet.

5. Saying, "I grew up so I can be the boss of you" never loses appeal.

6. Dora, educational, annoying, addictive. Calliou, entertaining, great pointers for good parenting if you ever get desperate. A little nonsensical because he's 4 and bald and Rosie's a baby with a full head of hair. At least in my family, there's a consistent pattern of baldness until age 2. Sesame Street, never gets old. Teletubbies, a non-anesthesized lobotomy would be more pleasant. And you'd still come out knowing more than those d@*# tubs. Between the Lions--clever. Blue's Clues. Blue is sort of lame. Steve is awesome, but totally being phased out. Joe's okay, it's just hard to fill Steve's shoes. And well, some of us just can't get past him looking like a turtle-necked Fred Savage.

7. You work for HER. The sooner you come to terms with that, the better off you'll be.

8. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child should rest next to your bible. You will get a testimony of it if you use it.

9. You really do know best, even when you don't feel like you do.

10. Grandma's are priceless. Well, at least this baby's---I sure couldn't afford her!

11. You will hate buying diapers every time you have to.

12. I will tell you if you suffer from UBS*.

13. Shopping when you have a girl is a disease. You will need help to curb it, so save yourself some finance charges and get it.

14. Everything bratty and naughty you did when you were a girl WILL come back to haunt you just like mom said it would. If it didn't with your son, it will tenfold with your daughter. I'm only 19 months into mothering a daughter and I've seen a good 6 years worth of my sins pass before me...

15. David is way better with babies than he will let you think he is.

16. Texas soothes cholic like a charm. I've heard...

17. I can't believe I almost forgot. Prepare to never pee alone again. Well, at least for several years. Prepare for your bodily functions to be perfectly suitable conversation for any time, anywhere. Prepare for thought provoking questions like, "how does poop come out of you" and other things you just didn't think you had to know or be able to articulate as a mother. Prepare to be depantsed, de-shirted, and mauled, regularly.

Okay, maybe I better stop and get my own recovered cholic to bed before I see 6 more years worth of sins in one afternoon.

*UBS--Ugly Baby Syndrome. Don't call me rude, we all know ugly babies exist. None of ours of course...but there was even a Seinfeld episode about it, and we all know that lends all sorts of credibility to a subject. The syndrome comes from, well, the mom and dad not knowing they have an ugly baby. It's okay, most kids grow out of it. Most.

UBS? Remember, we called it UBD, ugly baby denial - and I was so worried that I asked everyone of my closest friends if I suffered from it after each birth.

Dear S... I don't think there is any advice I can give to prepare you for the tantrums, emotional outbursts, hormones, and thoughts of grandeur that will take over your little princess all before the age of 3. Just remember that eventually your princess will mature to the grand age of 5, possess some reasoning skills and all the aforementioned hysteria will have been worth it. I promise!

I forgot.... Diego, the cousin of Dora, also educational, annoying, and addictive, but with interesting animal facts! (also no annoying Map song!)

I know this was for S, but I appreciated all of the excellent advice! I will print it out and refer to it often in the coming years.

Holy Frijoles - I can't believe S's boy is THIRTEEN!!!! I mean, I just never stopped to think...He's forever six in my mind. A teenager - that's a whole other charming adventure in itself.

I'm thinking of advice...I will be back. :)

"Mommy, I'm hungry. Can't you hear me?" is the plaintive call of my four-year-old, one of five annoying children I have in my midst. I hate this time of day.

S, good luck, and as much fun as newborns are, well... have fun. :)

Hey, I can’t believe she told your friends you were constipated. BWAHAHAHA, that was awesome!
Pure genius your sister.

I'm not liking #14. At all.

UBS, no one wants to talk about it because all babies are supposed to be beautiful. Whenever I see an ugly baby I think of that same Seinfeld episode. Sorry, it's so true.

So best of the best to you S.

PS: Don’t think about #14. I’m not.

Okay okay alrighty then, first of all.. did you just make up a story to use the word "trepidaciously"? 1. My baby- is going to be beautiful, calm peaceful straight from heavenly father, she is only going to say "why" when appropriate and I will have to insist that she has her own way sometimes. 2. Ahh poop.. made a living at that for years ready for some young stuff:)p.s. I have my DH thinking that is his ONLY job. 3. i like your stories 4. DH has already declared that THIS child gets WHATEVER she wants no questions asked. 5. No child of mine will ever watch T.V., videos, or eat ANYthing that comes in a box or bag with a toy. Three square homecooked meals a day with dessert. Last but not least 6. She will be just like me and that is pretty darn ok with me:) cuz i am cute and smart and gosh darn it I like me. Don't let me forget she will have no stains on her one outfit a day she lets me pick out for her and will have on by 8am sharp.

Who am I kidding HELP!

ps you NEVER did call me back so get to scrubbin:)

They say the journey in Dora WAY too many times, it's annoying, but you have to sing along.
What are Frijoles? They sound like a groovey kind of nacho :-)

I remember we were in sweet tomato stuffing our faces and we saw someone with UBS, that's all I remember great story huh?

I LOVED this post, 3 weeks? Get outta here! That's like really soon!

Post a Comment