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Dirty Diapers For Family Planning

Leave it to a smelly topic like poop to break my silence.

My absence has come from being busy, not even being able to think of words like "menopause" and calling it "pre-menstrual" and "post-partum", feeling annoyed by people thinking my personal blog has to be interesting, and fighting the tendency for blogging not to be 100% enjoyable. I started it for fun, I'm going to keep it fun. Dangit!

So, 4 short days ago J and I had the talk of "will there be a #3?" and "If there will be, when?"

Normally, I consider family planning a relatively private topic, but uh, you'll see how it's a vital part of this story.

Since I don't want to be changing diapers while waiting for my dentures to dry before I head off to Wal-mart to buy diapers and baby food---for both of us, I would like to get the whole show on the road. Not the immediate road, but the near future one.

Some of the reasoning for waiting much longer between Avee and #3 than we did between Benja and Avee is....oh I'm not gonna lie, Avee's pretty much the whole reason. As much as I cherish that little pumpkin head and want to eat her up for all her cuteness, she has really done a number on my ability to see myself as a rational, reasonable adult-like person who doesn't throw cantaloupe slices at walls and regularly growl my frustration like some kind of curmudgeon mountain man who hasn't had to speak in 45 years. Actually, it's more about---she's spirited and opinionated and along with the typical challenges that come with raising a child like that I just want to be sure I can give all I need to give to raising such a child. That and two babies who couldn't talk and pooped their pants all the time, just about did me in.

I set some goals to be achieved before we bring a 3rd bundle of perfection into the world.

We set a reasonable space of time, but not so much that Avee would be learning to drive while #3 suckles and I scream "shift already, SHIFT!"

J said things like, "Are you sure Avee will be potty-trained by then because I am certain I don't want to do the 2 in diapers thing again." And other such insightful questions/opinions.

I'm sure.

What I'm not so sure about anymore is if she, or her brother will STAY trained.

Benja. Sweet Benja who has had nary an accident since the blissful day he and Spiderman boxers became trusted friends. I was prepared for accidents. I know they happen. Since the beautiful spring day, he had one oops when he was sick. I don't really count that.

So, 2 days after mine and J's conversation---Benja poops his pants. He didn't even bother with the petty crimes. I went to a church activity and afterwards was in the parking lot having a very necessary conversation with another woman, that no 31 year old woman should have to have. Something along the lines of, "Please don't hate me because I'm beautiful". It had to be done.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Benja is standing with his fists clenched up by his face, and I'd wager his little cheeks were clenched too, I just can't be sure, and squealing with genuine panic "Poop is going into my pants and I just can't stop it!" These are the kind of moments I would like to watch on the video footage of my life, from heaven. I had a very "I am my mother" moment. It went like this:
Me: So, like I was saying Mary Beth---I really can't help how beautiful I am and it's just not fair to not have...
Benja: Poop is going into my pants and I just can't stop it
Me: (Looking down calmly, as though I just noticed there was a 3 year old running around my legs chasing his 1 year old sister and knocking her down on the hard concrete every 30 seconds) Well, just let it, don't panic, we can take care of it when you're done....friends just based on how I can make an entire room swoon by my presence.

Ben took care of his bidness, and I took care of mine.

He ended up wearing a plastic bag home. You think things like that will be a deterrent for repeating undesirable behaviors. They aren't. The next day he told EVERYONE about his "tool puhlastic pants". I did the smile-shrug-aren't-kids-sweet-when-they-talk-nonsense-like-that and shoved tic tacs in his mouth to stop the talking.

His accident was understandable. Unpleasant, but understandable.

He did it again this morning. 4 feet from the bathroom. Initially he was pretty distraught about it. I worked him through the initial unpleasantness of feeling your own crap in your pants and then added some unpleasantness of my own with a stern talking.

The kid had the nerve to give me instructions on how to change him. Excuse me? When you are the one with your own crap stuck to your body and someone else is removing it, I think you lose ALL credibility in the "how to" department. He offered tips like, "don't get any poop on the tarpet, it will really fmell when I watch my Blue's Clues video from the library" and "don't let Avee touch my poop---she already fmells bad". Avee did in fact fmell bad. And so this lovely morning, I changed two poopy "diapers" back to back. There is something considerably more disgusting about "changing" and cleaning a bum you haven't had to change and clean for 5 months or so.

That is where I had my flash of inspiration on exactly when #3 should come.

Avee should be through her second year of a Ph.D program and Benja should be finishing residency in pediatrics and have had plenty of kids poop or pee on him by then.

At that point, if either of my children have accidents (because they are bound to happen, right?) it will NOT be my problem. It will be a big problem, and probably several people's problem, but NOT mine.

We've had an epidemic of pee puddles on the floor right in front of the toilet lately. Only so many of those can happen before I don't believe they are accidents anymore. It's a conspiracy to promote maternal lunacy. I know it is.

The coversation about your beauty is classic. That's serious business. Imperative.

Poop can't even break my silence. Both kids are napping and I thought I could post something but I think I'm blogstipated.

I'm so sorry to hear about Benja's pooping in his pants. That can't be fun. But you can always make a bad situation funny by the wey you tell it.

You forgot to include the part of the conversation about the wee ones getting jobs, and paying rent before we give it another go.

You know, you really can't help it if you make people swoon with your beauty. So very few of us have that gift.

Who on earth insinuated that your blog has to be "kept" interesting? Isn't it enough that YOU are interested in it? Who gives a crap what anyone else thinks of your blog?

(OK, I care what people think of my blog... but shhhhh, don't tell. In a perfect world, none of us would care.)

I want you to know that somehow, probably by mom-reading-blog osmosis, Roz has picked up Benja's lisp. Last night I enjoyed repeated requests to go "on the fwing" and "on the fwide." None of my other kids have done this so I am now pinning it on Benja and the way his lisp makes my motherly heart squeal with delight.

LOL @ Ph.D. Crapola I laughed at that. (Sorry to keep using the word "crap" but it seemed to fit your post.)

I am not sure if the tears are from laughing or if I am genuinely fightened to be having a baby in a few months.

You know I am with princess... Thanks for the encouragement! Would you say that the crap has finally hit the fan around your house?? You know those parking lot post enrichment conversations DO so get old after awhile, we just can't help the gene pool we came from:) I understand fully so if you need to talk. 888-867-5309 ps I am not sure this is the time to check check what genes your children got from your side of the line, but maybe it is.

There’s a Blogstipation epidemic.

I, for one, find your blog very interesting and extremely fun. That’s the way I expect it t, and I expect you to make it so.

I feel for you, with all the crap and what not. But at the same time I feel so jealous, jealous at your beauty AND the fact that whole rooms swoon by your mere presence.
Oh, and that you can make plastic bag underwear…overwear…wear.

So you see, you can’t be beautiful, crafty and perfect. No sir. You can’t have it all…thus, you got crap (little tiny crap from Avee, surprise crap form Benja).

“it will really fmell when I watch my Blue's Clues video from the library”.
Indeed! :D

I don't want to alarm you but...... poop happens! Especially after the arrival of a new baby into the family! You work really hard to get your munchkin potty trained, start boasting to everyone how quickly they potty trained, and how all it took was some strawberry shortcake and princess undies - enter next precious bundle AND POOP.... suddenly your little potty trained munchkin is confusing the toy box with the potty chair or taking their underwear and skirt off outside to pee because they just can't make it into the house to use the bathroom. Sadly these are both true stories from the Breit household :(

And I agree w/ no cool story! you are here to entertain us!!

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