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Open Letter Season

Dear Wal-Mart Greeter,

You are very sweet. And I appreciate the stickers and attention you gave to my children. When my daughter threw the sticker back at you and yelled, "Not happy Bob!" at you, believe me when I say it's not you, it's her.

But I have to say, my son, he's not quite 4. He's very young. And yes he was wearing a Spiderman shirt and knew all the characters of Spiderman 3 and even saw the movie the day after it opened---he still doesn't get it. That blank stare he gave you when you philosophized about the dual nature of man in relation to the Sandman---it was real. I'm sorry you were disappointed that the conversation with him fell so flat so suddenly. Ask him what color Venom is, and why, and that's more likely to get results.

Also, when you suggested as we were leaving that he "web you" and then froze in place until we could no longer see you---that was "totally awesome" and had both my kids giggling all the way to the car.

Not to be rude, but as much as I loved the attention you were giving my children, at nine months pregnant, my bladder is on a limited schedule and I really needed to get those pineapples and diapers and get home. Public bathrooms are digusting.

The Shopper Who's Quick Errand Turned Into Spiderman Philosophizing and Kegal Exercising

Dear Daughter,

I am on to you. I just need to verbalize it. I know you are smarter than me in so many ways, but I am on to you. When you tilt your head and reach out your arms and say, "I hug you mama, huuuuuuuug" I know darn well that you just want to get out of the boring and not as soft and squishy as me shopping cart. Sure I love your hugs, and you do follow through. But don't think I don't know what you are doing.

All My Love,
Your Mother Who's Manipulative Ways Came First

Dear Rebecca,

When I told you I had read that pineapple can induce labor and I thought I'd give it a try---naturally I assumed you would think as I had, that it was the INGESTION of pineapple that does the trick. My bad. But thanks for the hearty laugh.

Your Friend Who's Mouth Is Now Raw And None Closer To Labor

Dear Friend and/or Family Member That I Happen To Be Calling,

No, I'm not in labor. But I promise, you will be the FIRST to know when I am.


She Who Wishes It Even More Than You

Dear OB/GYN That I Have Been Seeing Regularly Since December,

Isn't being an OB that isn't on-call on the weekends kind of like an oxy-moron? Or totally ridiculous if nothing else? This is the kind of information that would have been helpful to me 6 MONTHS AGO. Part of seeing you regularly is to build a rapport and to feel comfortable in your care when you deliver my baby. Had I known that you don't do weekends, I might have gone elsewhere. Now I'm going have to break in some newbie with my bad jokes and unnaturally pleasant disposition while enduring a Uterine Rave if this baby decides on a weekend arrival.

Thanks A Lot,
Your Patient Who Probably Wouldn't Care As Much If Her Baby In-Utero Didn't Already Weigh 23 Pounds

Dear Angela,

Stop being such a baby, being pregnant can be hard, but having a newborn is even harder. Also, just because you haven't gained any weight in the last 6 weeks, it doesn't mean your diet of cheeseburgers and Ben and Jerry's is the answer. You can pretend, but soon enough it's gonna come back and bite you in the butt. Your very ample butt.

Stop yelling at your kids so much. It's not their fault that bending over to pick up the banana that's been dropped 5 times in 90 seconds makes you want to fall over and sleep for 3 hours. And you're the dumbhead that bought the ridiculously hard puzzle, you can't blame your child for wanting to put it together five.times.a.day.

Stop watching The Medium. It scares you. You always think you're tougher than some fictional show, but you aren't. So just stop it. It makes Thursday mornings hard on both of us.

Your children are every bit as hilarious and adorable as you think they are. But other people don't need to be told about it constantly. When Ben says, "awwwwwwwww, it's too haaaaaaaaard" when you tell him to put on some underwear, it really is funny---but only to us. And when Avery substitutes "Not HAPPY Bob" for a simple "no" it's pretty funny, but not alert-the-press funny like you think it is.


Dear Sara,
You can't come soon enough. Even though I have my own two redhaired kissables around here, I need a chubby one that can't tell me to stop kissing them. Rebekah will do.

Plus my garden tub and non-garden toilet really need to be cleaned.

You're Non-Demanding Sister

Dear Sonic Crushed Ice,

Will You Marry Me?

Pregnant And Parched In Texas

Before this post, the highlight of my day was hearing my bishop's very even-tempered wife tell me that when she had a 4yo, a tantrumming 2yo, was about to give birth any minute and some well-meaning lady stopped to console the tantrummer on the way to car, she had said angrily, "Look, I'm just trying not to drop-kick him right now."

One way or another, it's so nice to know that other people sometimes just cannot. take. another. minute.

I L-O-V-E these open letters. Might even borrow one or two of them sometime soon.

Incidentally, I need Sara at my house, too. And Oprah said once that the ingestion of eggplant parmesan induces. Or was it just the smell of eggplant in the morning? Puzzling could also do it, I bet.

And I think your kids are hilariously charming and you write about them very well. So don't listen to yourself, and blog about them all you want.

Dear Pineapple consumer for wives tale reasons,
I have castor oil waiting to be comsumed.. orally, and as far as the raw mouth.. it beats the suggested alternative!!
thank you for making me laugh and not listening to me and pineapple whereabouts!!

For some reason I read the "Dear Sara" part as "Dear Santa"! I thought, "Good luck getting Santa to clean your toilet!" I guess that could go for Sara too...

Good luck in your last moments of pregnancy! I'm sure (at least I hope) the time will pass quickly! :)

I'm sorry but you aren't allowed to not blog things even closely approaching "Not HAPPY Bob!" You began and you must continue. I'm addicted now.

PS: http://pregnancychildbirth.suite101.com/article.cfm/natural_ways_to_induce_labor

I LOVE "Not happy Bob!" I LOVE IT!! I must use it now and forever.
"Dear Friend and/or Family Member That I Happen To Be Calling". I don't expect a call until the 28th. Just so you know.

I was going to say, have you tried the nipple-tweak yet? And then I saw Shelly's web address. :)

And... you have fun with that.

I love the letters - so funny. I think I liked the Wal-Mart guy one the best. Oh, the letters I would love to write those people...

While I think each of your letters are extremely funny and witty, I do believe that you may need some fresh air! My advice - put the pineapple down (I don't want to know what the second option was for that poor fresh pineapple), drop off the children at Rebekah's and go for a nice long stroll in the fresh air w/ your Sonic ice, and do the nipple tweaking thing if you must!

You know I am going to have to quit reading this blog. I may have an almost five month old but I still vividly remember EXACTLY where you are right now and it is NOT the highlight of my life. I have no answers for you but I will do my best to get someone to clean those toilets for you(mom is coming June8!) Tell the kiddo's I need a refresher course on the incredibles so have it ready!

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